Great article on College Rejection by Brian Harke, Huffington Post

The "March Madness" is upon us.

Each year high school seniors spend the month of March in a nail-biting, gut-churning, adrenaline-fueled state of anticipation. It's the anxiety that each March brings as thousands wait for their college acceptance letters.

Like many associated with college admissions departments, I have started to receive dire calls and emails from potential students hoping for an early indication of their admittance status. As I reflect on these communications, I realize how controlling we have allowed the college admissions decision to become.

Yes, getting into your first pick college is important, but let's keep it in perspective. Being accepted by your first choice college is certainly something to celebrate, but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out exactly as you'd hoped. Too often I see students who don't get admitted into their first pick college beat themselves up, think they did something wrong, or succumb to the belief that they weren't good enough. I've heard of friendships that end because one student got admitted to the college and the other didn't. To add to the drama, parents often take the admittance or denial as a personal victory or defeat. Some wear it as a badge of pride while others blame themselves and see it as failure. It isn't!

Here are some things to keep in mind if you receive a denial letter from your first pick college:

• The process is very subjective. Forget about your GPA, SAT score and all the advance placement classes you took. Yes, the numbers are important, but when compared to other's scores they are just that: numbers. Looking at applications through a quantitative lens, one would think that the highest scores should get accepted. Oh, if it were that easy. There is a qualitative component that makes getting admitted to college much more subjective than most students and parents realize. Subjectivity comes into play as application reviewers contextualize what you have submitted in comparison to what they have reviewed in the past. Reviewers have their own take on things and there is no black and white with subjectivity. It is out of your control.

• As hard as it is, don't take denial personally. Someone at the college just didn't think you were the right fit at the time. Try to trust that they know what's best. As much as you wanted to get into the college, chances are pretty good that the admissions team did you a favor. If they didn't see you as a good fit, you'd probably end up disliking the college had you gotten in. There is a lot of thought about "fit" and student success when making the decision to admit students. Sometimes the shoe just doesn't fit no matter how much we think we love them.

• You are not a failure. Too many students assume they are a failure by not making it into their top pick college. Nothing could be further from the truth. Remember subjectivity? It is really out of your control. There are so many variables in making the admit decisions that I could write books and books on the topic. You are still the same successful person you were before you got your admit or denial letter. Don't forget that. The sting of a denial will go away.

• Celebrate the colleges you do get into. Whether it is your first choice or third, any college you get into is something to celebrate. For every college you get into, someone else didn't. Keep that in mind and be humble. It is an incredible accomplishment.

• There is always a transfer option. I recommend students go to the college they got into, and after a year if they are still not happy, try to transfer. However, if you go to a college with the intent of transferring, you will never give the college a real try. You'll avoid settling in and experiencing the true nature of the college. Most who go this route end up staying at the college they were admitted to. They figured out that the admissions team from the college that denied them did them a favor.

• Parents: give your students a break. The selection process belongs to them, not you. You've had years to learn how to deal with the rejections life often throws our way. This may be the first major rejection many students experience. Be supportive and find the good in the situation. There is always good.

I've included other helpful links and articles for incoming college freshmen here.

The bottom line: You are a success regardless of the college you get in to. Don't let a college admittance letter take that away.

So, stop biting your nails and worrying about your life crashing down if you don't get into your first choice college. Whatever your future holds will unfold as it is supposed to. Trust me, I was one of those students who didn't get into their first pick college. I did OK and so will you.

 

Follow Brian Harke Ed.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Brianharke

Ten Tips for Parents beginning the College Search and Application

1.  College chat with your child: Limit college-related discussions to once or twice a week and not at the dinner table.  Don’t bug your child every minute about the application process; instead set up specific times to discuss college-related items.  Do not allow the process to take over your life, your student's life, or your relationship with your son or daughter. 

2.  College chat with other parents: Avoid the temptation to compare notes with other parents – there are always lots of horror stories that parents love to pass around.  Often they are not true or parents don't know the full story. Talk to your school counselor or seek professional advice elsewhere (see IECA) but do your best to stay out of the cocktail party/soccer game frenzy.

3.  The parent’s school of choice: If there is a school you really want your son or daughter to like (perhaps your alma mater), keep your feelings to yourself; the more you push the less likely they will be to like it.  Also plan your visit to that particular school (or any school!) with care – don’t visit a college on a Saturday morning (when students are typically in bed) or as #6 on a long college trip.  Instead, opt to tour on a Friday afternoon so you can see and feel the energy and excitement in the students.

4. Money:  Talk honestly about money.  Figure out what you can realistically afford, educate yourself on the financial aid process, and share your limits with your student.  The saddest cases are when a student gets in to a first choice school but then the parent is not willing to pay the bill.  And there are very few colleges (if any) that are worth graduating from with thousands of dollars of debt.

5. Essay:  Don't edit your students essay – colleges can smell an adult's hand miles away.  Let them write and offer to lightly check for grammatical and spelling mistakes or offer to get professional help.  College admissions officers will know the student's English grades and will have access to his or her Writing sample on the ACT/SAT.  Too good can be too bad!

6.  Medium-sized schools in big cities: Practically every student who comes to me today says he or she is looking for a "medium-sized school in a big city." What students don't realize is that they will likely not have the money nor the time to take advantage of all the offerings of a city.  And schools in more obscure and remote locations (think Colgate or Colby) actually tend to have more unified student bodies as students stay on campus and make their own fun.  And while 2000 students may be the same size as many high schools, in college 2000 plays much bigger: students are much more likely to get to know students in all four years.  I love to ask senior girls how many freshmen boys they hang around with in high school:  "none," but in college that might not be so unusual.  Focused and self-driven kids tend to do well at any size school.  I do not recommend huge schools for kids who are not pretty independently driven.

7.  Graduation from Harvard does not guarantee success and happiness:   A student's ultimate success and happiness will depend on how they take advantage of the many opportunities at whatever college or university they attend.   Look for colleges where students will have opportunities: opportunities to get to know professors, opportunities to get involved and hopefully ultimately lead clubs and activities, opportunities to do research, opportunities to get good internships, opportunities to make life-long friends.  Students need to make use of what comes their way – there are many routes to success and happiness.  I always warn that the number one factor that will determine whether or not a student is happy as a freshman is his or her college roommate.  A student saddled with a wacky roommate will have a tough time whether at Harvard, Haverford, or Hillsdale.

8.  Time-Off: Not everyone needs to go directly to college.  Think seriously if your student is ready, interested, and prepared to do the work.  A year of employment or volunteer work may help him or her to appreciate the gift of college!

9.  Begin the college process early:  By the time you get to the junior year, there is too much stress and pressure to devote the necessary time to the college process.  If you begin the discussion sophomore year (students need freshman year to adjust to high school), students still have the opportunity to make changes and can begin thinking about visiting various schools.  Two tips on visiting schools: Don't visit schools in summer when schools aren't in session and try to give northern schools a chance by not visiting in the dead of winter.

10.  Have fun with the process!  This is one task you and your child can work on together!  See it as a collaboration – laugh about the awful tour guide, make fun of your own crazy ideas, and appreciate that even though it does not seem like it when you are going through it, the process does sort itself out.  If you’re realistic and honest about your options, every student will end up success when it comes to the college process!